Don't feel like having sex?
When you don’t feel like having sex it can be helpful to give yourself a break and remember there’s no normal frequency or way of having sex. However if sex has stopped or is less than 10 times per year (approx.) and if it’s a problem for one of you, then it’s a problem for both of you. If you don’t deal with it, it will become a relationship problem.
Why does it matter?
Sex is a unique bonding behaviour that reinforces the connection between you as consenting adults. It’s not ok to force or coerce your partner into having sex. Aside from the important ethics of this, having sex when you don’t want to, can lead to feeling disconnected from yourself and lower sexual and relationship satisfaction.
What if you have no libido or desire?
Desire fades slowly and it’s often through becoming disconnected from yourself. This might be due to relationship stress or taking care of everyone else and as a consequence not being there for yourself, including in the bedroom.
You might need to stop feeling responsible for your partner’s needs and start to focus on your own, both within and outside of the bedroom. You might be pretty self-less and find that you feel ‘not there’ when it comes to sex. So what we’re suggesting here might feel selfish. But this will allow you to be in touch with yourself and your desires, to let go and ironically, to show up sexually.
Desire isn’t about your partner and what they do or don’t do for you. It’s about the connection you have with yourself – being in touch with what you enjoy in life and sex, and able to be present to yourself, including when you’re with another person.
It’s good to remember that sex is spontaneous particularly in the early stages of relationship because it’s novel and the bonding chemicals of falling in love are flowing. As those things wear off over the longer term, sex tends to be responsive i.e. maybe it’s not top of mind but if your partner suggests it, or you both agree to a sex date, you become aroused as things get going.
How can you reignite desire?
Desire is about connection to yourself and to your partner. It takes intention and a conscious commitment to grow and work through whatever the obstacles are. This can be challenging, but the best way to reignite desire is to decide you are willing to explore what’s going on for you. It really does matter.
Understand what lack of desire is about for you. Perhaps you are angry with your partner? Maybe being vulnerable and close to important people has led to negative experiences. Maybe you are struggling to stay open and curious and have a conversation about how to improve sex. Are you not tuning into what you want, but instead trying to be and do what your partner wants? You could be unconsciously trying to satisfy unmet needs from childhood. Or experiencing physical obstacles that get in the way of enjoyable sex.
A good place to start is knowing what increases desire for you and what closes you down sexually.
You can find a way (perhaps with support) to explore what is happening in your sexual relationship. It is possible that resolving this, could be the doorway to greater connection and intimacy in your whole relationship. These issues are the types of things your Emotion Focused Therapist can help you address.
To find a therapist certified or training in EFT click here
